The words of a mans heart grasps me so close. It makes me feel like another person on this planet could feel the awe and wonder of a love that endures for eternity. Music is powerful. It is the universal archetype for the human soul. Spoken word or silent melodies, it transcends the cultural and linguistics of separation and weaves together the collective consciousness of human understanding… with the vibrations of human expression, connecting soul and spirit with hymnal unspoken meanings. The light drew me in, the darkness pulled me down, and love found me in the end.
I wanna come home, to a place I once remembered. Im tired of this mask, its not masking much these days. Why did I even decide to wear this? Well, I am not that scared little girl anymore. She may live in my home, but shes no longer running it.
I feel so exposed within myself. I dont wish to hide from myself anymore, so Im not. Im sad, feel a bit empty and life feels so surreal right now. It feels like its happening or happened so fast. I was living addicted to drugs for over a year just a few months ago. My life was full of pain; I didnt know or want to deal with the sobering reality that Walter is a fucking psychopath, and I was surviving, just getting through my own existence. Peyton suffered I am sure, but I had suffered long long enough and could not find a way out. Chaos, a few dumb decisions, a very enlightening situation that showed me how easily Walter would betray me given the chance, to my first night in jail, to trying to believe the bs excuse he gave to signing a 2 month protective order against me. Hes always been so good at charming his way into convincing you that he is not entirely full of bull shit lies. I should know, I was Queen of Denial.
So 6 weeks of rehab, a pending divorce which I stopped because, what? yes, thats right, you pregnant! Oh wait, no one told you that you were going to have another baby??? You mean that one time after 3 years of tracking every cycle, knowing exactly when to leg press him off of me, had it down with precision, he decides to put his plan in motion to impregnante me??? DAMN, I never should have trusted his own will, my leg presses were solid. I avoided any ammo from entering troop utero.., with precision, even the trajectory was timed so that my final seconds of what is usually around 60 round trip , were to fetch a towel, toss it out the door so things dont get awkward so that I have to literally be like, please get the fuck out now, so I can get to back to enjoying ME time. Asshole…..
Here I am, 3-4 months later, 50 fucking pounds heavier and 5 months pregnant. Oh, and I did get my head right in rehab, which made me see that I was going to wind up dead or in jail if I allowed this toxic marriage continue. Now with a baby on the way, it cant be running from my husband with a baby in my arms. Accidents happen. Luckily I am not dumb, nor naïve nor messed up anymore to realize that this relationship needed to end long ago. I’m out of it, I moved my stuff, even took whatever I wanted and made out with some cash and the car. The proceedings and him, etc. are just background noise for me…there in the distant future, I can push it out of my mind. What gets to me the most is the sudden change of everything. Gaining 50 lbs is down right depressing, and I don’t care if you are pregnant and are told to chill and enjoy yourself…see, I didn’t think I was overdoing this, but 50 lbs in 3 months!! I had a few Cinnabon’s and sure ate spaghetti when I wasn’t really hungry and yeah, my bad habit of eating in the middle of the nights came back in peanut butter and bananas….and everyone saying, “but you’re pregnant” to me when I was only 6 weeks pregnant didn’t help at all. Its hard changing that much in a short amount of time. Especially hard is/was the feeling of having no control. I really didn’t. I could not control the excessive amount of food at rehab, and with COVID we were confined to the center, which was small and had a backyard 1/16th of a mile in diameter. I was powerless and couldn’t channel my energy into exercise like Ive always done when Ive been sober. I went through the motions, Ive done rehab, I just needed to be taken out of my surroundings into a safe drug free zone long enough to get my head straight, and it was successful. I never loved the drug, I hated it. I hated living with it in the house. I hated I choose this guy who was literally married to the dope, not his family. His motivation to work hard was looking forward to those 6 weeks of yearly vacation where he could get as high as he wanted and didn’t have to worry about work. You know how many vacations I spent in hell with this man? How many vacations were spent with me and the kids at my moms because, well Walters talking to CIA guys in our attic and its not sightly for me or the kids. You know how hurtful it is to have every promise broken from a person who you thought was like you, a great person with a conscience, desire for righteousness and clean desires? It hurt so many times over and over as I slowly realized and accepted he wasn’t like me at all, in fact he doesn’t even care about me, or our family and has been feeding me bull shit for years. This guy has been using me like I were a tool in his toolbox. His rules, his life, his toolbox; I was picked to be his latest convenience that was entering his life, and exiting my own.,
It felt good to write this. I am glad I did. Good job Melissa.