My heart needs you to just listen.

The words of a mans heart grasps me so close. It makes me feel like another person on this planet could feel the awe and wonder of a love that endures for eternity. Music is powerful. It is the universal archetype for the human soul. Spoken word or silent melodies, it transcends the cultural and linguistics of separation and weaves together the collective consciousness of human understanding… with the vibrations of human expression, connecting soul and spirit with hymnal unspoken meanings. The light drew me in, the darkness pulled me down, and love found me in the end.

I wanna come home, to a place I once remembered. Im tired of this mask, its not masking much these days. Why did I even decide to wear this? Well, I am not that scared little girl anymore. She may live in my home, but shes no longer running it.

I feel so exposed within myself. I dont wish to hide from myself anymore, so Im not. Im sad, feel a bit empty and life feels so surreal right now. It feels like its happening or happened so fast. I was living addicted to drugs for over a year just a few months ago. My life was full of pain; I didnt know or want to deal with the sobering reality that Walter is a fucking psychopath, and I was surviving, just getting through my own existence. Peyton suffered I am sure, but I had suffered long long enough and could not find a way out. Chaos, a few dumb decisions, a very enlightening situation that showed me how easily Walter would betray me given the chance, to my first night in jail, to trying to believe the bs excuse he gave to signing a 2 month protective order against me. Hes always been so good at charming his way into convincing you that he is not entirely full of bull shit lies. I should know, I was Queen of Denial.

So 6 weeks of rehab, a pending divorce which I stopped because, what? yes, thats right, you pregnant! Oh wait, no one told you that you were going to have another baby??? You mean that one time after 3 years of tracking every cycle, knowing exactly when to leg press him off of me, had it down with precision, he decides to put his plan in motion to impregnante me??? DAMN, I never should have trusted his own will, my leg presses were solid. I avoided any ammo from entering troop utero.., with precision, even the trajectory was timed so that my final seconds of what is usually around 60 round trip , were to fetch a towel, toss it out the door so things dont get awkward so that I have to literally be like, please get the fuck out now, so I can get to back to enjoying ME time. Asshole…..

Here I am, 3-4 months later, 50 fucking pounds heavier and 5 months pregnant. Oh, and I did get my head right in rehab, which made me see that I was going to wind up dead or in jail if I allowed this toxic marriage continue. Now with a baby on the way, it cant be running from my husband with a baby in my arms. Accidents happen. Luckily I am not dumb, nor na├»ve nor messed up anymore to realize that this relationship needed to end long ago. I’m out of it, I moved my stuff, even took whatever I wanted and made out with some cash and the car. The proceedings and him, etc. are just background noise for me…there in the distant future, I can push it out of my mind. What gets to me the most is the sudden change of everything. Gaining 50 lbs is down right depressing, and I don’t care if you are pregnant and are told to chill and enjoy yourself…see, I didn’t think I was overdoing this, but 50 lbs in 3 months!! I had a few Cinnabon’s and sure ate spaghetti when I wasn’t really hungry and yeah, my bad habit of eating in the middle of the nights came back in peanut butter and bananas….and everyone saying, “but you’re pregnant” to me when I was only 6 weeks pregnant didn’t help at all. Its hard changing that much in a short amount of time. Especially hard is/was the feeling of having no control. I really didn’t. I could not control the excessive amount of food at rehab, and with COVID we were confined to the center, which was small and had a backyard 1/16th of a mile in diameter. I was powerless and couldn’t channel my energy into exercise like Ive always done when Ive been sober. I went through the motions, Ive done rehab, I just needed to be taken out of my surroundings into a safe drug free zone long enough to get my head straight, and it was successful. I never loved the drug, I hated it. I hated living with it in the house. I hated I choose this guy who was literally married to the dope, not his family. His motivation to work hard was looking forward to those 6 weeks of yearly vacation where he could get as high as he wanted and didn’t have to worry about work. You know how many vacations I spent in hell with this man? How many vacations were spent with me and the kids at my moms because, well Walters talking to CIA guys in our attic and its not sightly for me or the kids. You know how hurtful it is to have every promise broken from a person who you thought was like you, a great person with a conscience, desire for righteousness and clean desires? It hurt so many times over and over as I slowly realized and accepted he wasn’t like me at all, in fact he doesn’t even care about me, or our family and has been feeding me bull shit for years. This guy has been using me like I were a tool in his toolbox. His rules, his life, his toolbox; I was picked to be his latest convenience that was entering his life, and exiting my own.,

It felt good to write this. I am glad I did. Good job Melissa.

Within My shadow

Who.are you, who am i?

I’m the dust gathered in the corners of the walls that surrpund me night and day

A daydreamer too young to ponder what may lie ahead of the present day

A young girl who grew up so fast who didn’t grow up at all.

Didn’t realize how little she is even though she stands so tall

No one knew the inner me. I was ashamed I couldn’t stand a thing about me. I have something wrong with me.

This has to be why no one loves me just for me..and no power to ever ever see the deeply hidden hated inner me..

Bury me cover me with shame and forget you knew my name I’ll smoyher you in posisons of deeper flames so well aquainted thr demons call you by name..

I have become what I have feared

I’m so afraid of love terrified of me what if they were right and I am wrong for being me.. I came out wrong im missing something , what do they have

and you can see to make a whole be complete bc I am empty and no one will ever see,

Silent screams

Its not tbat I am feeling sorry for myself.

Somethings botbering me and I dont knkw how to say

Remember thr days when it used to rain and all day we wouod build boats amd play at the creek and remmebrr no ine was there but you and me?

I miss thise days. Everything was quiet and and easy. I loved being there with you.

I dont kniq how 8to set me free. I dont kn oq

Pretend it doesnt hurt

So many things I fear in life but none as much as I fear rejection.. So desperatley do I want to show you all of who I am but I fear you wont respond to me in thr way I need.

What if all I ever needed was already here

No one would believe me if I said thst I were great. Everyone wpukd shake their head in disbelief to hear that I was strong. A liar i would be to say I had power of my own,

Its ugly inside of me. Im ebedything you

I am nothing that no one cares to see. I’m so ugly inside I am.afraod to see..

I am too afraid to love myself because it doesnt even matter. Everyday is thr same.. It is so hard to b

Do you want to see pain

Want to see real

How stronf are you to see what lofe has done to me

I’ll take off this playe and show you something even I can barely take and dpnt you look away in fear

Look me in the face

Who is in tjat coffin

Open it

What is that

Type these leyyers

You’re going under

Deep breaths

The love I desire is a love so deep it is worth dying for. No More hiding, risking the fear or rejection abandonment because what you want more than anything is to expose your soul to another

The absemve of fear in my eyes gains her trust and slowly come down the walls arpind her heart…

Ashamed she protects you from seeing whats sjes hidden for so lomg…why are you ashamed I asked? Because I had needs too and sruoid me fornhabinf thrm

Accept me as I am. Jesus take me as I am..

Ever since I can rememeber thr Christian church was a set of standards meant to live by because I was so loved by Jesus amd or what it reallt conveyed was, ” youre better than this now and so youre expected to follow new standards which all conduct of your value will be measured upon.” Now, most kids want to measure up to their peers and wamt to be seen in positive light..none of us want tbr shadows we work so hard at keeping in the dark never be exposed, after all, youre a christain now, you’re changed amd all that has passed away! Like majoc it all.just goes away ans so you start over new compelety forgetting the past! Wow, Jesus is a miracle.

Reality js is that this js realtoy..people dont pray hard enough to forget an abusive past or forget their abuse by receiting they are a new creature and never adressing thr wpunds..

Not all Christains went to homeschooling amd and didn’t hate every second of it..some.of us were the rebels, the attentiin Seekers, the Abandonded and thr thr very ones who woukd let you in close enough to get a glimpse but push you away just the same..i think we.are the very rebels, thr social.misfifts and sinnners who Jesus came we are all sinners, but not all.of us sin the same..some of us afyer something only Jesus can satisfy..amd will he ever quench it who is to ssy? Most will say he already has where many woujd argue differebent. Shoukdnt it be ok to.ask a God a savior who has saved us from he’ll and redeemed us for a littte help, I think so.

Mommy Dearest

Afraid to tell you how I really feel

Knowinf your disapprovall is what I feared

I tried to keep a solid face and mask my feelings behibd this pretty face

I wish I cpijd tell you jow I reallt feel

That I am so sad and angry at you

You always mame me feel so bad and I hate it

I wosh you wouks stop but you never do

Why am I always wrobf amd nebrr you

Dojt you see the injustice goung on here

Yoir playing with my heart with who I am

Your power threatens to steal all pf who I am

Why for what reason do you have to do take feon me what you dobt have

Wheb did I become ypur puppet ypir little doll

Of all thr ugliness thst you are

Thr hatred you blame me for

I feel so angry and so sacred