I want so bad for someone to pay attention and maybe actually read my random blogs..i know most wont because im directly asking for it and since they know what it is I do want, they also know exaxtly what to do to keep me from.gettting it..
That’s the risk you run when you share your true feelings with others….risk being disappointed again by mankind or pleasantly surprised that they cared..
I wamted to be heard seen, valued, seen as my own person..i wanted my parents to get a.divorce bc I was tired of hearing them fight. I wanted my own way when my mom would noy allow me to date when what she never knew was that a guy actually liked me and I felt good!! I felt good about me and she was taking it away. Wothout even a desire to sympathize or understand me but for control!! As long as I am able to be controlled then I am under her spell, her power. The power to love me the power to withhold love..the power to sometimes show she cared while others she refused to even if she were wrong it didnt matter
All tbid week has been weird..a lot of abandonment stuff is coming up amd triggered..i have to let go..i must surrender amd now..i need healing. I want it. I deserve it. I need guidance and support. I know I lost myself along the way but truth is I was lost long before..
I cope with drugs..i cant belive I am tbis person..i cant believe that what I knew to be true 7 years ago is still true today and this time I am out of answers, what solutions, why fot what when I had my chance and I came back..i knew I wouod accept my life as is but didnt expect mkre of the same…maybe chaos is where I feel best where I feel needed. The role of the stronger one who is aware and who will be just fine. Keep ot together and take care of others. I’m fine. Never had time to examine myself I had to carry the weak ones emotinally so they could be strong again for themselves..i dony think anyone appreciated what I was dping or if they even knew but instinct kicks in anytime my sense of security and safety feels threatened. I know that my needs will onky get met if I assume the role of protector by taking my trust and emotional reliance on them onto me…i protected relied upon and was the source of my emotional well. I was tired. ut of the who also the responsibility
Slowly things die..some you never notice its so slow.
Its not just the self sabotage its the why I do it. It stems deep from rejection. If I were anyone else besides me I would be fine, but I am not and I wasmt enough..
Life is cruel..mean..purpose? What purpose? Is this character development?
I feel so sad and I feel alone..i am always alone…
I didnt care for you like I should. I’ve messed up so much and maybe it is just me..maybe I am nothing of worth or value. I have no where to hold it, where does it go and how do I make it stay here? How do I solve tbis one all by myself? Why am I empty inside? What makes this happen? You see my anger but cant you see my pain as well? Do I not show you is it my fault or are you too tuned out to make a.connection with me?
So now what?
God must listen, He is listening..i am not ready to die…but how can I let go and trust? I can’t take caring for others anymore..i want to be cared for..its not for obedience its bc I remember a time when we met that I tasted the eternal..i didnt believe like today. Today I have no one to do for me what I cant do and that is learn to love me when im not what you wanted, didnt love..why not whats wrong with me? Is it because I have desires and needs and want your love? Is thus normal? You dont ask abouy me and why is that? How can you not want to love me amd give me the world and affirm to me my worth my amazing value?? You neglected me consistently my whole life and I needed you..i could not give myself something I didn’t have, I looked to you and your approval of me to measure my value. I did so much worked so hard to be the daughter or image you desired..i must have denied to myself that you didnt like me because how ridiculous an idea! I’m your daughter! But I felt the amger you had. I ate all of who I was on the inside with self hatred and punishment..i had anger towards you but what I hated the most was that I was powerless, helpless, was defeated at every turn, that I could no longer bear the pain and so i buried myself inside the black hole of my soul where I was safe..
I tried to kill her..not realizing she was me..i wanted the pain gone..its been my whole life, my entire existence has been me sitting in the dark alone so afraid someone will see me, the real me, and wont love me because I’m weak. I could see it in my mom..she was weak and allowed herself to be disrespected. I didnt want to accept her that way, so I carried her burdens took on her role and gave my mother what she needed to become strong..
I’m done with the mask. I’m deeply buried within the trauma of being abandoned alone empty, fearful, rejected, invalidated as being a whole person. I wasn’t a whole person. I was a fragment of who I was on the inside and a reflection